Monday, 2 November 2015

One Piece manga RANT - Chapter 1 (part 1)

More like none piece of mind - and by that I mean non cents (PUN well kinda)

Part 1 of what hopefully will be an ongoing series and the original idea I wanted to create this blog for in the first place (though with Naruto part 2 instead - well eventually I'll get to that as well). Picking apart the shonen shit that is supposed to be a pirate adventury kind of thing though it's obviously some superhuman freakshow brawling instead. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the bottom of the barrel... ONE PIECE! (I'd rather have wine than Luffy in it, too).

By the way, I wrote this some couple years back, so it's my oldest content other than the interactive fiction reviews (maybe?) featured here (with some revisions though. I'm worse with revisions than the Game Dude. Hell maybe even worse than George Lucas!). Also, I doubt that much of the horrible dialogue is caused by the translation. This is just horrendously unreadable if you like (your) manga to be a serious art form.

One Piece

Chapter 1

You know you're reading shitty manga when the first panel already doesn't make any sense whatsoever. Once upon a time (or rather not too long ago, I guess), the famous pirate Gold Roger had "conquered every single treasure that existed". Do I even need to say why this does not compute? Yes, since that is exactly the point of my reviews...

-) every single treasure would mean all of the gold, silver, paintings, art objects etc in the entire world - so how did he transport it? Where did he store it? Let alone how did Gold Roger gather it in the first place?

-) gathering up a full amount of something that does not have intrinsic value pretty much renders it worthless. What would he buy with his unlimited resources if he already has "all the shinies"?!

-) Nami finds treasure soon enough into the manga, so obviously the "entire treasure of the world" isn't even TRUE. Seriously, why start your manga with something THIS stupid...

So with GR's execution the world "enters" the pirate age... clearly nobody has noticed GR stealing everything that isn't nailed down before then. The death of the biggest pirate of all time STARTS the pirate age. Yeah, that totally makes sense. If you're stupid.

Damn, all these problems and we're still on the first page. And the next one doesn't really improve things. The art is quite pretty and detailed though, no complaints about that.

Enter our protagonist, the oddly named "Monkey" D. Lufy. Nobody ever calls him Monkey though, so who the hell cares. At this point we have our first sign of shonen stupidity. Luffy, whose mouth alone is apparently bigger than his torso, cuts his FACE with a dagger. Good thing you didn't slip there or the eye would have been gone as well. Anyway this act of pure idiocy apparently proves he's a badass or something and continued to be allowed to hang out with his pirate pals. All side characters, especially crew members are always drawn to be bizarre freaks, by the way. The fat fuck who is always seen eating cartoonish meat on the bone is clearly the biggest offender here.

Anyway, Shanks, the good-hearted pirate who apparently never robs, rapes and kills people, is Luffy's big idol. We learn that Luffy can't swim - keep that in mind. Luffy is "tricked" into drinking juice to prove he's still a kid - obviously true pirates never drink juice. It's not like there would be such a thing as scurvy after all, damn those vitamins! Generic Nami-lookalike #1 is shown to be feeding kid Luffy, who has the best teeth in the world, being able to rip bites off steaks (maybe he is too dumb to be able to use fork and knife?) though it still would be nice to get to know why he doesn't have a family. Maybe Shanks will turn out to be his father...? That kind of predictable bullshit sure enough happened in Naruto, so maybe here too.

The next plot point is the apparent rivalry between "bandits" and pirates, which makes no sense whatsoever. It's the PIRATE AGE and the bandit leader has never seen pirates, yeah right. The pirates had been using this village as a base "for almost a year", and all the One Piece world consists of small islands - and bandits don't have ships, or they would BE pirates themselves. Do the math how it makes NO sense for the bandits to never have met the pirates. Also the bandit leader goes around breaking doors, smashing bottles on peoples' heads, littering and saying things like "We're bandits", not expecting anyone to get pissed off and removing such a threat to your vilage from his or her village. (I've met assholes only slighly less fucked in the head than this guy in real life, by the way - in school. And by that I mean BOTH teachers and students.) One piece people all live in small, constantly threatened villages (kinda like in Fist of the North Star) so this kind of behaviour is pretty stupid. Shanks takes the bandit leader's insults like a pacifistic bitch, pissing off little 8-year-old Luffy as a result. What kind of pirates would laugh off such a situation, especially considering how they act mere pages later.

Continued in

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